The HyperMetabolism Support Group
by Purple Mongoose
Summary: A multi-crossover fanfic that even the author doesn't understand yet. From RG Veda to Naga the White Serpent, the H-M Support Group has everything...except a plot. [Working On]
1. I [This is your captain speaking: we've ...

The Hyper-Metabolism Support Group or The Super Love Quest!  
I  
*  
  
Every light seemed to be focusing on Usagi's forehead and she swallowed thickly, feeling the lights' heat burning into her skin, a droplet of sweat trickling alongside her face. She struggled for a moment, feeling as if her every breath was barely strong enough to pull out of her chest, and, finally, she managed to speak, meekly, into the microphone.  
  
"Hello," she said shyly, "I'm Tsukino Usagi."  
  
"Hi, Usagi!" came the booming response and she found herself to be temporarily deaf.   
  
She made a quick mental note to wear ear-plugs when near the Saiya-jins, and smiled weakly at the faceless audience. (And what a large audience!) "I've been eating an extraordinary amount of food for each meal since the third grade, and I'm glad to have finally found a group of people who understand me and my eating habits."  
  
A roar of applause (and perhaps a wolf-whistle thrown in) sprang up and, as she stepped off the stage, she found herself enveloped in hugs from total strangers (not that she minded, considering most of them would be termed as bishounen). Tears sprang to her eyes and she smiled happily, and then…  
  
A tall blonde guy in a red trenchcoat yelled: "Donuts!"  
  
What followed would be marked down in history as The Great Donut Free-for-All.   
  
Somehow, in the midst of the dangerous melee, Usagi utilized her smaller frame to avoid the stampede caused by red-trenchcoat-man (1), and pulled back, skirting out to the edge of the volatile crowd. A fireball was thrown a split second after she broke free, and there was a bright, flaring explosion. A moment of stunned silence ensued, and then there was a chipper voice crying, "Lina-san, you fried this half of the table!" Havoc once again reigned supreme.  
  
"If Yasha-ou was here, he'd get me to the table," a high little girl's voice whined to Usagi's left and she turned to see a cute, small girl crossing her slender arms over her flat chest and scowling darkly at the cuter young teen standing before her; his arms were muscular and tan and his hair was auburn, whereas the girl was pale and dark-haired. "You're supposed to get me food!"  
  
"I always have to get you food, Ashura!" the boy complained right back. "Why don't you ever get *me* food? Lazy good-for-nothing!"  
  
"Stop picking on me, Ryu-kun!" The girl, Ashura, stamped her foot and dropped her arms to her sides, fisting her hands indignantly. "I'll tell Yasha-ou just how you've been treating me, and then you'll be in trouble!"  
  
"Yap, yap, yap," Ryu rolled his eyes, unfolding one of his arms to make blah-blah motions with his hand. "He lets you get with everything!" He scowled. "And it isn't fair that I'm not allowed to bring Ryugator, but you have your stupid Shurato! Brat!"  
  
Usagi raised a blonde eyebrow and could have sworn she saw the girl's eyes sparkle wetly for a moment before the two, with clichéd anime synchronicity, 'hmph'ed and turned their backs to each other, chins up. Immediately, the worst thing that could ever have happened to Ryu and Ashura clicked into place.  
  
Usagi decided to play matchmaker.  
  
Now, it's not that Usagi is a bad matchmaker or the like; it's just that she makes it so painfully obvious. And she's rather incompetent, too, but that's not the point. Usually, her predictions hit the spot: look at Yuuichirou and Rei, for example. She appears to have some sort of psychic ability to judge people's compatibility. (Her own love life aside, what with her being hooked up with Mamo-the-baka. Oh. Sorry. Shutting up.) The part she has a tendency to screw up on is the actual matchmaking bit. It doesn't usually turn out too good.  
  
Sadly, no one has ever bothered to alert her of this little fact, so she continues to blithely attempt to match people up. Sometimes, she even goes up to total strangers who she really shouldn't be eavesdropping on, but is anyway.  
  
So is it any wonder that Ashura was suddenly alerted by Shurato's vibrations that something was about to happen? Is it any wonder that Ryu got a sudden, sinking feeling that he was about to wind up in another situation in which he had to engage in physical contact of some sort with Ashura? Is it any wonder that Ryan hit Palla-chan for writing this piece of---oh. Sorry, again.   
  
"Ohayo!" Usagi chirped, swooping down out of nowhere (or so it appeared), causing Ashura to yelp and glomp onto Ryu, who, being the graceful, swan-like being that he is, fell flat on his butt. "Atashi wa Usagi! What are your names?" She beamed innocently at the wide-eyed two, sparkling ocean-blue eyes opened to their most adorable power, and mentally cheered herself on.   
  
"Ashura!" said Ashura cheerfully.  
  
Ryu was futilely shoving at the waif-appearing girl, trying to get her off his abdomen. "Ryu-ou," he muttered.  
  
"Wow!" Usagi squealed, clapping her hands. "You're a real kin---"  
  
Before she could finish her question, a horrible, mind-imploding sound exploded into the auditorium and rebounded off the walls, echoing continuously for a jarring minute. "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!" went the sound, and it continued as such for an unholy amount of time, causing Gokuu and his sons to clamp hands over their ears and wail like banshee-monkeys (2), Vegeta and Trunks to slowly back away from the trio, Lina the beautiful sorcery genius to pale, Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune to snap her head up from her ice cream, Vash the Stampede to choke on his forty-second-and-a-half donut, and pretty much everyone else to double over in pain, with the occasional character suddenly bleeding from their ears.  
  
Although it was broad daylight outside a minute before, clouds suddenly coalesced outside of the gym/auditorium/really-really-big-one-room-building-with-bathrooms and a stroke of lightning dashed behind the figure standing in the window, illuminating her from behind. A tall, busty woman stood there in a leather outfit designed to cause spontaneous nosebleeds, and her head was thrown back as she cackled in her destructive way.  
  
"Naga the White Serpent has come!" she crowed when, thankfully, she finally stopped laughing. (Paramedics were already en route to treat the motionless victims scattered here and there.)   
  
Usagi slowly uncurled from the fetal position she had adopted, and just as slowly sat up. Ashura was doing the same thing, having fallen off of Ryu when the horror began. Speaking of the Western King/Star…  
  
"Hey!" Ryu bellowed with all his might, his yet-to-hit-puberty voice unfortunately light and therefore ruining the effect. "That's my name (3)!"  
  
"Damn it, Naga!" Lina hollered from where she had jumped onto the French-foods table. "Why do always follow me?!" Gourry, in a brave move to save the croissants, grabbed her and pulled her off the table. Sadly, his hands landed in a rather inappropriate part of her upper anatomy. "Hentai!" the fiery sorceress shrieked. A fireball later, an extra-crispy Gourry Gabriev landed on the floor, eyes little swirlies.   
  
"You stole my name, you stupid b---"  
  
In a move that created nosebleeds all across the room, Naga the White Serpent flipped from her window to land right in front of Ryu. He, in the glorious moment before sudden blood loss through his nostrils caused him to pass out, was granted a sight of Naga's…er…endowments…that most teenaged boys would kill and massacre for.   
  
"OHOHOHOHO!" she guffawed - and the Son family once more began the wailing and gnashing of teeth - and she patted Ryu's unruly hair before he fell to the ground. "I am Naga, and I have stolen no one's name!"  
  
"Gracia?"   
  
A short, dark-haired girl came out from the crowd of convulsing people, drooling men, and those who were still eating determinedly (such as Vash the Stampede), followed closely by a chimera who held his sword at the ready, glaring at the men who dared glance at the princess'…um…  
  
"Amelia?" Naga did a double-take.  
  
"Big sis!"  
  
"Little sis!" (4)  
  
Once more, nosebleeds swept the room and the few doctors in the building all made notes to check if there was some strange virus spreading around causing bleeding through the nose.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"I suppose I should apologize for causing your companion to faint," Naga (or Gracia, as it would seem) commented as Ashura fanned Ryu's face with a napkin; the slight girl looked worried and fanned harder. "Men always seem to do that whenever I'm nearby."  
  
"I wonder why," Lina muttered under her breath, a flash of jealousy crossing her garnet eyes.  
  
"I'm so glad I've found you again, Gracia!" Amelia cheered, hugging her sister's arm again. "Otousan will be so pleased!" (Prince Philoniel, to be truthful, was in his chambers back at the castle, bawling his eyes out that his darling youngest daughter needed a support group for her rather voracious eating habits.)  
  
Usagi sat in a chair she had pulled up beside Ashura and Ryu, who were on a bench, and jotted hasty notes in a tiny spiral notepad she was carrying with a pretty Hello Kitty pen (5).   
  
For example:  
·Male subject appears to be affected by hormones. Naga/Gracia may be a hindrance.  
·Female subject appears to care somewhat for male subject. Glomped him earlier for protection, and is currently attempting to waken him from unconsciousness.  
  
She flipped her spiral shut with satisfaction, and nodded affirmatively. She would need recruits to assist her, she decided with uncharacteristic wisdom. Amelia looked like she would help.  
  
Ryu's eyes fluttered open about this point, landed immediately on THAT part of Naga's anatomy, and he passed out again.  
  
"Baka!" Ashura snapped, and she shoved him off the bench.  
  
*  
  
Palla-chan: Urk. This does suck, Ryan.  
Ryan: Told you.   
Ryu-ou: I just read your notes for the following chapters. There is no way Ashura and I would get that mushy!  
Palla-chan: &.^ But it's cute!  
Ryu-ou: ./.; [face-fault]  
Ryan: If anybody's reading this, send a nice, toasty little flame to Palla-baka. Maybe she'll take this thing off ff.net.   
Palla-chan: Ryu-ou-chan, why are you beating yourself with my nightstick?  
  
*  
  
Footnotes! (For those little number things in superscript.)  
  
(1) "…the stampede caused by red-trenchcoat-man…" Red-trenchcoat-man is Vash the Stampede from Trigun. It's a pun. ;]  
  
(2) "…like banshee-monkeys…" The Saiya-jins *are* monkey-men. Pun the Second!  
  
(3) "'That's my name!'" [Ryu-ou] Hopefully, if you've read RG Veda, you get this. Ryu-ou's name was 'Naga' (which I *think*, but I'm not quite sure, means snake/serpent/etc.) before he became king of his clan's land/etc.; Ryu is his clan's title, and -ou is a suffix for a king. Naga the White Serpent is Lina's companion/rival in the Slayers' movies and some of the Slayers OAVs.  
  
(4) "'Big sis!'/'Little sis!'" Naga is rumored/believed to be Amelia's missing elder sister, Gracia. Personally, I'm one of the people who think Naga *is* Gracia. *grins*  
  
(5) "…with a pretty Hello Kitty pen." I've just always thought Usagi would write with a Hello Kitty pen. :]  
  
*  
  
Usagi: I didn't get any character development!  
Assorted Anime Characters: We haven't gotten our roles yet!  
Ashura&Ryu-ou: Sicko!  
Slayers Cast: Is there a *plot*?  
Vash [through a mouth full of donuts]: Mmmf gmhff ffgmgf!  
Scary Lawyer Dudes: Miss Purple Mongoose/PallaPlease, we'd like a word with you…  
Palla-chan: *hasty escape*  
  
{Review for the review-less?} 


	2. II [Miaka vs. Flint and Chibimon! Ryu-o...

The Hyper-Metabolism Support Group or The Super Love Quest!  
II [Oh, and there's some mild shounen-ai at the beginning, I suppose. Depends on how you read it.]  
*  
  
"Yuki, other people need to eat, too, you know," Touya spoke, a sweatdrop forming on his forehead as he tried to hide his embarrassment at his companion's cheerful shoveling of food onto his plate. "I mean, I understand this whole eat-five-times-my-natural-body-weight thing you have going on, but still. That Lina woman looks like she's going to attack you if you take the last melonball."  
  
"Nonsense, To-ya!" Yukito replied as cheerfully as he was shoveling. With his usual disarmingly sweet smile, he motioned with his fork at a determined looking young girl with somewhat short brown hair in two small odangos. "Miaka-san has eaten twice as much as I have! And Lina-san is such a nice, pretty woman, I'm sure she won't be angered."  
  
"TWICE?" Touya gaped, stunned into silence at the mere *thought* of anyone being able to eat more than his lover.  
  
"Hai!" nodded Yukito, eyes turning up in a smile behind his glittering glasses. "Twice!"  
  
(Meanwhile, in the background, Lina Inverse -- Bandit Killer, One Whom Dragons Fear, sole being to survive possession by the Lord of Nightmares, and destroyer of not ONE, but - count 'em, folks - TWO Mazoku lords -- preened herself, looking for all the world like she'd just been given Redbeard's treasure trove. "Pretty!" she gushed, clasping her hands before her chest and her ruby eyes turning into ruby hearts. "What a wonderful man!"  
  
Eh, too bad for her, ne?)  
  
"Twice?" Touya repeated, unable to find any other words that could express his disbelief, shock, and suddenly reordered universe. "Not…humanly…possible…" His eyes took a certain dazed look.  
  
"Oi, To-ya-chan, are you all right?" Yukito reached out, touching his forehead.   
  
"Daijoubu?" he asked after a moment, worry creasing his light brow. "Daijoubu? Daijoubu?"  
  
"Iie! My food! Minemineminemine!"   
  
Yukito turned momentarily to see Miaka - who he had had such a pleasant conversation with earlier about whether or not chocolate was an independent food group - engaging what appeared to be a seven-year old boy in a caveman's outfit with a giant slab of rock tied to his back and a tiny blue dinosaur in some freestyle form of martial arts. "Nani?" he murmured, wrinkling his silver eyebrows together and absentmindedly lifting a pretzel-stick off his overloaded plate and nibbling at it. "What are they doing?"  
  
"I need food to fight Petra Fina!" the boy hollered, and the stone-slab (to Yukito's amazement) chorused: "My son needs all the food he can get!"  
  
"Food!" was all the dinosaur cried. "Chibimon needs FOOD!"  
  
"Mine!" Miaka snarled protectively, snatching up the wide dish of cupcakes. "Come, Seishi, protect the cupcakes!"  
  
"Oh, Gods, wha' did I do t' deserve this?" one of the huge group of people standing next to her moaned and the tall man with the staff bonked him with the end. "Ow! Chichiri, what th' hell was that fer?"  
  
"Yuki," came the far more familiar voice of Touya from behind him, and Yukito turned back around, smiling again. The dark-haired man blinked as if he was disoriented, then questioned, faintly, "Is this some odd dream?"  
  
"Ah, To-ya-chan," smiled Yukito (he never seems to frown, does he?), "this is no dream!"  
  
"Good," nodded 'To-ya.'  
  
"Mine!"  
  
"Hammer Crush!"  
  
"FOOD!"  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"So, how long have you been a member?" Usagi asked brightly, moving behind Amelia in the buffet line. "I obviously just joined today, you know, and I haven't made too many friends here, yet."  
  
"Oh, I've been a member for about a month," Amelia responded cheerfully. "It's a great deal of fun! We get free food from every major business that isn't somehow controlled by the Mazoku, and we get to meet so many nice people!"  
  
"She means bishounen," Naga added, and Amelia flushed.  
  
"Are you a member, too, Miss Naga?" Usagi quickly speared an egg roll as Amelia stammered something under her breath, face a peculiar shade of beet red.   
  
"Oh, hell no!" the eldest Saillune princess laughed. The lights flickered, the Son family inhaled deeply before the king and prince of the Saiya-jins decked them, several people screamed, and Ashura jumped Ryu again, her hand glowing blue (1).   
  
Ryu, recognizing that certain shade of blue encircling Ashura's hand, panicked, latching onto the legs of a person running pell-mell past them. They being anime characters and this being a world where the laws of physics really don't seem to matter a great deal, Ryu and his unwitting cargo were pulled across the tiled floor in a cloud of dust. (Where the dust came from, only the production crew knows. Good for them!) "IIE!! NOT SHURATO, NOT SHURATO (2)!!" came Ryu's scared-as-hell voice, quickly followed by Ashura saying: "It's okay, Ryu-kun! I was startled, that's all!"  
  
"No offense, Miss Naga," Usagi said in a tight, cornered voice, "but please don't laugh like that. It's very frightening."  
  
Naga sweatdropped and, with a hand behind her head, tittered nervously, managing to not 'OHOHOHO' once. "Ah, gomen nasai," she apologized abashedly, and Lina - who was managing to blush and question Gourry why *he* couldn't say she was pretty and nice at the same time - gasped angrily.  
  
"Oh, so if *I* ask you to not cackle like the evil witch you are," Lina gritted, offended fury gleaming dangerously in her eyes, "you blow me off; but if *she*--" she motioned towards Usagi, who was asking a skittish Amelia if she was all right and if she needed to sit down and have a glass of water "--asks you, you apologize and stop!"  
  
"Well," Naga said pseudo-sweetly, "she isn't a temperamental, small-breasted, untalented child like you, is she?"  
  
"T-temperamental--?" Lina sputtered. "SMALL-breasted--! UNTALENTED?!" With that, she pushed her sleeves up and snarled, opening her mouth to begin the Dragon Slave spell.  
  
"But it's true, Lina-san!" an obnoxious voice suddenly threw in and, just as suddenly, a purple-haired man was launched into the table by the vicious swing of a deadly-looking blunt implement. "Ai, Filia-san, that hurt…" he mumbled through the egg rolls, rice, and sushi smashed into his face.  
  
"Serves you right, namagomi!" a pretty, if dangerous looking, elfin woman snapped, resting her hands on her hips as she stalked up to the group, glaring daggers at the darkly-dressed man as he slowly picked himself up, a dent in his face healing quickly. "I wanted to come support our friends at this event, and you have to be rude, don't you? I can't go anywhere in public with you!" She, in a move that caused Vash the Stampede - who was all the way on the opposite side of the room - to choke on his drink, flipped her skirt up, hooked the weapon onto her garter, and dropped the skirt, smoothing it out. "Baka namagomi!" (3)  
  
The man swiveled around, meticulously brushing foodstuffs off his clothing and lifting the ruby-tipped staff lying on the floor. A tic in his cheek seemed to be working dangerously and it vanished suddenly as he smiled brightly, eyes shut. "But you seem to be the one making a scene, my darling Filia-san! Such a violent, selfish dragon we are!"  
  
"I'll show you!" Filia bellowed, scaring the heck out of Usagi, who clutched onto Amelia's arm. "Stupid Xellos!"  
  
"Amelia, is this a normal occurrence?" Usagi sweatdropped, watching wide-eyed as the Filia woman chased the cheerful-appearing Xellos around the table.   
  
"Hai," the princess sighed. "Unfortunately."  
  
"This is such a weird place," Usagi muttered.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Somewhere not so far away, a shadow creature, whom we shall call Shadow Creature for the time being, mainly because I don't want to type any more funky three-letter or four-letter names after the whole history thing I did for my Escaflowne was staring into his…her…its…the glowy-thingy all bad guys have.  
  
"Soon," he/she/it said in a soft, evil voice (because all bad guys either sound like they're on crack/voiced by someone full of themselves/completely evil/sensual/Mickey Mouse on helium), "soon it will be time for my REVENGE!" Shadow Creature waited for a minute, staring into his/her/its glowy-thingy broodingly. The obligatorily crescendo type evil music missed its Q.  
  
"And I shall do it in a horrible way!" added Shadow Creature.  
  
And the band found its Q.   
  
It was a rather lovely Q; found and raised by a tribe of wild mongooses, it was cultured in a way and manner that only one other race seems to utilize: circus midgets. (4) This Q was rare and wondrous, for it could not only do the Hokey Pokey while balancing a banana sticker on its nose, but it could also sing a heartwarming rendition of 'Purple People Eater' that touched the hearts of millions around the world. (And, if you order now at 1-999-PRPLE-MGSE (5), you can get the limited edition "Q's Greatest Hits" compilation album for only $29.99! Hurry now, for this is a limited time offer, and this product is not offered in stores! SorrynochecksorCODs.AnadditionalextravagentfeemustbepaidforS&H.Mustbe18yearsorolderinordertoorder.ResidentsofAlabamaandKentuckyneednotapply.Bepreparedtosellyoursoul!)  
  
Oh, wait. 'Cue.'  
  
Shoot.  
  
*  
  
Ryu-ou: If it's possible, that was even worse than the first chapter.  
Ryan: I know. But, hey, Palla-chan *is* an idiot.  
Palla-chan: I don't like you either.  
Ryu-ou: But on the bright side, she hasn't gotten Usagi to sucker anyone into assisting her in her quest to hook me up with Ashura!  
Palla-chan: Wait 'til the next chapter.  
Ryan: 'Be prepared to sell your soul'? Palla-chan, have you been in the Juicy-Juice Grape Juice again?  
Palla-chan: How'd you figure it out? No, I haven't! [pause] Dang!  
Ryu-ou: On second thought, Ryan, maybe 'idiot' isn't strong enough a word for her.  
  
*  
  
Superscripts! (More explanations for things you don't care about!)  
  
(1) "…her hand glowing blue." In the anime/OAVs, at least, Ashura's hand begins to glow blue whenever she summons Shurato. (And, yes, I will refer to Ashura as a 'she' from here-on-out.) When she actually completes the act of summoning Shurato, a bright pillar of blue light shoots out of her palm and forms into the glass sword.  
  
(2) "'IIE!! NOT SHURATO, NOT SHURATO!!'" In RG Veda Tankoubon IX (or Nine, for you non-Roman-numerals people), Dark Ashura runs Ryu-ou through with Shurato, effectively killing him. So it's understandable the poor guy is panicking.  
  
(3) "'Baka namagomi!'" The whole Xellos/Filia interaction thing here was a slight hint at them being an item. I do happen to be a Xel/Fil fan, y'know. :]  
  
(4) "…circus midgets." This is actually an obscure salute to one of my favorite Xel/Fil fics, BattleJoy W's "Slayers: Guardian" series. If you have the time, go read it. It is HILARIOUS.  
  
(5) "…1-999-PRPLE-MGSE,…" The 'PRPLE-MGSE' part stands for 'Purple Mongoose' the first half of my pen-name in this account. ;] Yeah, a me salute. I have to have at least this one, you know!  
  
*  
  
Usagi: Character development.  
Scary Lawyer Dudes: So, should we give you the charges now or later?  
Ryu-ou&Ashura: And you write this stuff why?  
All Other Characters: PLOT!!  
Palla-chan: Sheesh. Be grateful! I slave my butt off for this?!  
  
{Got Reviews?} 


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